Children learn through their actions – every behavior has meaning

As parents, we know this all too well: A peaceful afternoon turns into a sea of tears and anger in seconds because a building block won't stay in place. Or your toddler stubbornly refuses to hold hands and wants to "walk alone," even though they are still wobbly on their feet.

In such moments, it is easy to dismiss behaviors as "defiance," "disobedience," or "bad mood." But what if we changed our perspective? What if we saw every behavior of our child as a message? A message that reveals something about their inner needs, their development, and their relentless urge to learn.

Maria Montessori firmly believed that children are the architects of themselves. They do not learn because they are told to, but because they do. Their actions are expressions of their inner "blueprint." At Montessori Learnworld, we want to help you understand this blueprint and lovingly accompany your child on their unique path.

 

Why we need to reassess our children's behavior

The first step to a more harmonious family life is the fundamental understanding: A child never acts without reason. What appears to us as "misbehavior" is, from the child's perspective, a completely logical reaction to their environment or their inner impulses.

1. It is a form of communication

Toddlers often do not yet have the linguistic means to name their complex feelings. A tantrum over a broken cookie half is not just a dispute over food, but can be pure frustration over a lack of control or inadequate motor skills. Anger then becomes the only way to express this overwhelming feeling.

2. It is the path to independence

The urge to do things independently – even if it looks clumsy – is a central developmental step. A child who refuses to be fed and instead eats with their hands is practicing their independence. This phase, often referred to as the defiance phase, is actually a time of intense self-discovery.

3. It is an experimental field

A child who repeatedly drops a building block is not willfully destructive. It is exploring gravity. It is learning cause and effect. The repeated trying and failing is known in Montessori education as normalization – a sign that the child is deeply engaged in a learning process.

 

The three most common messages behind child behavior

To interpret your child's behavior, you can try to decipher the message behind it.

1. "I need your attention or closeness."

• The behavior: Constant whining, clingy behavior, pulling at the pant leg.
• The message: The child feels insecure, overwhelmed, or just wants to feel loved and seen.
• The right reaction: Give your child undivided attention. A few minutes of cuddling together, a short hug, or simply picking up the game they are currently engrossed in can work wonders.

 

2. "I want to do it myself, but I can't yet."

• The behavior: Tantrums when getting dressed, crying when a task fails, rejecting behavior.
• The message: The child feels the inner urge for independence, but their motor skills are not yet developed enough. The frustration about this erupts in a tantrum.
• The right reaction: Provide the right support. Instead of taking over the task completely, break it down into smaller steps. Encourage your child with a "You can do it!" and help only when it is really necessary. A prepared environment with suitable tools, like our , which allows safe access to the kitchen, can prevent this frustration.

 

3. "I am overwhelmed or underwhelmed."

• The behavior: Hyperactive behavior, aimless running around, destroying toys (when overwhelmed). Or boredom, disinterest (when underwhelmed).
• The message: The child is either processing too many stimuli or the environment does not provide enough exciting challenges.
• The right reaction: When overwhelmed, less is more. Reduce stimuli and create a calm atmosphere. When underwhelmed, offer new toys tailored to the sensitive phases of your child. A in a quiet corner can be the perfect place to focus on a single task.

More examples: Common behaviors and their messages

To better understand child behavior, it helps to change perspective and look for the message behind it.

 

1. Throwing objects

• The behavior: Your child throws their toy, cup, or even food on the floor.
• The message: "I am exploring the world! What happens if I let this go? Does it make a sound? What happens to the thing? How do you react?" This behavior is rarely malicious, but rather an experiment to understand the laws of gravity, cause and effect.
• The right reaction: Give the child a safe way to meet their need. Say calmly: "Balls can be thrown. We gently place toys that can break down." Offer an alternative that fulfills the need without causing harm.

 

2. Refusing to sit still or eat

• The behavior: Your child runs around the table during meals, cannot concentrate on a book, or does not want to sit still when told.
• The message: "I have a great need for movement." It is normal for children to have an immense amount of energy. Their body and mind crave movement to learn and develop.
• The right reaction: Do not force the child to sit still. Instead, plan regular movement breaks. Let them run before meals or play around after waking up. An activity table can be a wonderful way to direct the child into a focused activity where they do not have to sit still.

 

3. Hitting, pushing, or biting another child

• The behavior: Your child becomes physical during a conflict because they lose control or do not know how to express their anger.
• The message: "I am frustrated and do not have the words to say that. I cannot regulate my feelings."
• The right reaction: Calmly separate the children from each other. Say clearly, but without anger: "We do not hit. That hurts." Help the child name their emotions: "I see you are angry because..." Then offer them an alternative way to express frustration, such as tearing paper or squeezing a pillow.

 

4. Constantly saying "No!"

• The behavior: Your child responds to every question or request with a reflexive "No!", even if they want the opposite.
• The message: "I am an independent person with my own will." This is a sign of healthy striving for independence.
• The right reaction: Give the child the opportunity to strengthen its autonomy by offering limited choices. Instead of asking: "Do you want to brush your teeth?", ask: "Would you like to use the blue or the red toothbrush?" A learning tower is a perfect tool that gives your child the opportunity to decide whether or not it wants to help you in the kitchen, thus satisfying its desire for self-determination.

 

5. Repeated building and dismantling

• The behavior: Your child builds a tower only to knock it down immediately. It repeats this over and over again.
• The message: "I am practicing a new skill." The child is in a sensitive period for understanding cause and effect, balance, and gravity. Repetition is the key to learning.
• The right reaction: Leave the child alone. When it enters a state of concentration, this is known in Montessori education as normalization – a sign of deep, inner learning. Give it the space and time to finish its "work" without interruption.

 

The role of parents: From judge to observer

The crucial shift in Montessori education lies in changing the perspective. Instead of judging and punishing behavior, parents learn to observe and understand.

1. Observe, don't judge: Give your child's behavior your undivided attention. What exactly is happening at this moment? What needs might be behind it?
2. Create a prepared environment: This is the heart of Montessori education. An environment tailored to the size and needs of the child reduces the potential for frustration and "misbehavior." Child-friendly furniture, like our learning tower, allows the child to move safely and independently.
3. Provide appropriate materials: Toys that are precisely tailored to the current developmental stage attract the child magically and keep them in a state of concentration. A child practicing fine motor skills needs threading games, not complex puzzles.
4. Be a source of calm: Your child learns from you. Respond with patience and empathy instead of anger. Phrase your reactions positively: "I see you are sad. Let's try to solve this together."

 

Our contribution to children's independence

At Montessori Learnworld, we believe that the right tools pave the way to independence. Our products are designed to support natural development and minimize the need for what we call "misbehavior."

• The learning tower in the kitchen satisfies the child's desire to participate in family life without feeling insecure. It is a tool for cooperation, not for defiance.
• Our activity tables provide your child with their own, organized space for creative expression. This way, they learn to focus and occupy themselves.

Every behavior of your child is an invitation to get to know them better. By deciphering the messages behind their actions, you can build a deeper, trusting relationship and lovingly accompany your child on the path to independence.

Discover our Montessori products now, which optimally support your child's development at any age!